⏳ Coming Soon · To Amazon
The Dust Fairies Are Not
Cleaning Your House
A Formal Complaint From Below The Sofa
For years the household has operated on a simple arrangement: leave it long enough and the dust fairies will sort it. Nobody has ever seen a dust fairy. Nobody has ever asked what they are paid. This book is the result of one man finally looking under the sofa, and the finding that the dust fairies have not been doing it, and possibly never existed, and the arrangement may have been entirely one-sided.
Sixty-One Short Chapters Of Losing
A selection of the evidence gathered so far.
- The skirting boards have not been touched since 2011 and everyone has agreed not to mention it
- A full audit of the drawer nobody opens, and the four things in it that still work
- The hoover has been moved to three different cupboards and has never once been asked how it feels
- A stack of ironing so stable it is now load-bearing
- The window that gets cleaned from one side only, which side depending on your personality
- A sock that went into the wash and came out as a different sock
- The shelf you dust by blowing on it, because that counts
- An entire chapter about the crumbs in the toaster and who is responsible
Also Inside
- The forty-minute tidy that consists entirely of moving things upstairs
- Guests arriving and the fifteen minutes that follow
- A chapter on the word 'later' and what it has cost this family
- Why the bathroom is cleaned only when somebody is coming round
- The cupboard under the stairs, described in unnecessary detail
- The maths of how long a thing can be left before it becomes a job
- An apology to the skirting boards, which was not accepted
The Repair Plan
A formal, detailed, three-part commitment to doing better. Useless, but it looked serious written down.
- 1A formal apology to the back of the television
- 2Lifting the corner of the rug, immediately putting it back, and agreeing to revisit this in spring
- 3Once every eleven months, whether it needs it or not
The plan came out fine. It is the execution that will be the problem, as established on page one and every page after it.
Coming Soon To Amazon
The book is finished — the listing is being sorted out now, and this page will carry the buy buttons the moment it goes live.
In the meantime there are plenty of other books — including The World's Most Boring Book About Beans, What's The Point When There Is No Point?, and a whole comedy universe featuring a King, a Donkey and a goat called Keith.
The dust will still be there. It always is. That is the one reliable thing in this house.